Distant Caregiving-One Phone Call at a Time
INDIA'S DIGITAL DYNAMO: HOW CALLS SHAPE KERALITE FAMILIES ACROSS GLOBE
Moving to Kerala in 2014, I got a glimpse into the intricate world of Alice, a widow who cherished her lonesome existence. Her children, scattered across the globe-a nurse in Australia, a son in Dubai, and a career man in the United States-kept her cheerful. While they sent their share of money periodically, the true value resided in their regular phone calls. As I sat in her renovated abode, enveloped by the fragrance of her son's favorite Hibiscus, I asked her about the void created by her children's absence. "Because my children are scattered, I'm blooming here. Would I be content if they were lingering around unemployed or earning pennies here? No," she answered, a few tears spilling down her cheek as she spoke of her late husband.
My exploration into elder care among migrating nurses from Kerala revealed that a simple phone call could carry myriad meanings. It could be a gesture of care, a duty, a self-care measure, a method of supporting other family members, or even an attempt to monitor and control. The magic lay in the intention behind each call.
When I first mentioned my interest in talking to parents like Alice with overseas children, my local acquaintance called it a pipe dream. Acknowledging one's loneliness could be seen as a sign of failure, he opined. It might imply that the children were selfish, having abandoned their parents, or worse, that the parents were inept caretakers.
Known for its high literacy, female empowerment, and advanced healthcare, Kerala stands apart from the other 28 Indian states. It boasts a unique Syrian Christian community, a significant number of whom, especially women, work as nurses. Historically, professional employment for women was frowned upon, particularly in Hindu communities, who often considered nursing as a less honorable profession compared to their Christian counterparts.
In the 1960s, a wave of Kerala nurses embarked on their careers abroad. Church sponsorship played a crucial part in making migration acceptable for these families. Overseas nursing offered the promise of higher income and the ability to support extended families through remittances. The resulting exodus led to a shortage of healthcare workers in Kerala and a shifting family structure. Daughters, typically the primary caregivers for elderly parents, were often thousands of miles away. I was curious about how this mass migration had influenced elder care.
My initial worries about finding willing participants for my study evaporated as nurses and their families eagerly shared their stories. Their overarching sentiment echoed: calls aren't merely about picking up the phone and dialing a number. They represent an act of love, a gesture, and a means to stay connected across continents.
Anthony, a nurse who had worked in Britain and Australia, put it eloquently during our interview in his hometown, Kerala: "Care is understanding, it's trust, it's not giving money. I call my parents everyday, but I don't express my love with a flurry of words. That's a gesture. That's how I show my love."
DIALING UP CARING: THE POWER OF A PHONE CALL
From Australia to Oman, phone and video calls have become instrumental in cross-border caregiving for numerous families. Based on my research with over 30 transnational families, I spent eight months conducting thorough fieldwork in India and Oman and several more years collecting data remotely from Keralite nurses worldwide.
Daily phone calls and the occasional video chat had become routine for most children. Despite the monotony, they maintained the routine dutifully, assuring their place as good children, even across vast distances. It transformed into a new form of filial responsibility, a way to repay the care they had received when they were young.
Yet, it didn't just reflect care for parents. Calling also served as self-care, especially for the many who lived alone abroad. For Sara, a nurse I visited in Oman, calls were part of a carefully scheduled daily routine. She would speak with her family multiple times a day, considering all their preferred times and favorite TV shows. "They are all preoccupied with their families, but I'm free, no?" she explained, the longing in her voice palpable. "After work, I have no other obligations, I'm free and I can call. That's why my parents know I am always calling. What else is there for me to do?"
The nurturing didn't halt with parents. Older adults soon became adept at using video calling platforms like WhatsApp, simplifying long-distance communication. During the COVID-19 lockdowns in 2020 and 2021, this proved invaluable for many, as grandparents played a crucial role in helping their grandkids develop their language skills and stave off feelings of isolation.
As one nurse noted, "I think it's very helpful for my daughter's speech development that my mother calls every day, sometimes twice a day. They speak on WhatsApp, on the webcam for at least 20-30 minutes, so they know each other quite well. They speak a few words, often my daughter likes to dance when she's on the phone. She's very happy to see that my mother is calling."
DIFFERENT TUNES
Were calls ever strained or stressful in my study?
Of course, they were not always heartwarming or harmonious.
I heard tales of attempts at control and surveillance from both sides of the line. Some children were said to question their parents' spending habits, demanding an account of every penny, while some parents insisted on daily phone calls, a possible veil for specific intentions-a way to control their unmarried daughters' chastity, often by pushing for arranged marriages. However, such instances remained whisperings among friends and acquaintances, kept private by both parents and their children.
Desperation could even lead some families to resort to unconventional measures. A couple had gone to great lengths to track down their son who had gone missing. "We thought we'd lost him forever!" his mother exclaimed when I visited their home. After their friends accumulated information about him, he called his parents immediately. "At that moment I understood-it was important for me to call home," he related.
When secrets are shared, they flow both ways. Some adult children intentionally avoided video calls to hide their living conditions, while parents concealed injuries to protect their offspring from worry. In the end, these silences, like the calls themselves, seemed like another form of caring.
Although daily calls, sharing short videos, and texting might seem commonplace, these seemingly mundane activities quietly shape the ways families remain connected across distance and how care is extended to one another. Over time, they come to influence our understanding of family and filial duties, making digital care not just routine, but deeply significant. As new technologies, such as rapidly evolving AI-based chatbots, emerge and become embedded in our personal lives, it's essential to pay attention to the subtle ways they mold our relationships.
This essay expands on ideas in Tanja Ahlin's book, Calling Family: Digital Technologies and the Making of Transnational Care Collectives.
- Studies on aging and digital communication reveal that regular phone and video calls are crucial for the health-and-wellness of Keralite families scattered across different countries.
- In the political landscape of India, Kerala stands out for its progressive stance on healthcare, gender equality, and female employment, contributing to a growing number of migration cases, particularly in health-and-wellness sectors like nursing.
- As technology advances, artificial intelligence could play a significant role in shaping these transnational familial connections, impacting the norms surrounding care and the notion of filial duties.
- The forthcoming evolutions in technology may require a reevaluation of our understanding of family dynamics and the role of digital platforms in maintaining intergenerational relationships, such as those in health-and-wellness and lifestyle sectors.
